Belonging Without Disappearing - What masking, migration, faith and trauma can teach us about identity

Dr Allison King | Doctor of Psychology & Psychotherapy | Researcher

How much of yourself have you changed in order to belong?It is a question most people have never been asked directly. Yet if you sit with it honestly, the answer is often: quite a lot.

I have been thinking about this question for a long time first as a researcher, and more recently as a clinician. My doctoral research at the University of Central Lancashire involved listening, in depth, to refugee women rebuilding their lives in Switzerland following forced displacement and, in many cases, gender-based violence (King, 2025). Their stories were extraordinary. The losses they had sustained of country, culture, language, safety, and sometimes their own sense of who they were were profound. And yet, as I moved from research into clinical practice, I kept encountering something I had not expected. The same question. Different lives, different circumstances entirely but the same underlying question.Not in people who had fled conflict. But in autistic women who had spent decades learning how to pass as neurotypical. In professionals so thoroughly adapted to workplace expectations that they no longer knew what they actually thought. In people of faith who had quietly buried parts of their inner experience because they feared rejection by their community.

Can I still belong if people see who I actually am? In my doctoral research, I introduced a concept I called Transformative Acculturation (TA) a process observed specifically among participants who had experienced gender-based violence (King, 2025). Unlike Berry's (1997) established acculturation framework, which describes how individuals adopt, integrate, or resist the culture of their host country, Transformative Acculturation describes something more intentional and more costly: a deep reshaping of identity, relationships, and cultural expression in the deliberate pursuit of safety and agency.These women were not simply adapting to Switzerland. They were making calculated decisions about which parts of themselves to keep, which to hide, and which to let go often within environments that were simultaneously hostile and necessary. As Bornstein (2017) notes in the specificity principle, acculturation is never a uniform process; it unfolds differently depending on the domain of life, the individual's history, and the specific demands of the host environment. For these women, the demands were extreme.One participant articulated it as choosing to live "outside the system": present in Switzerland, legally required to be there, but emotionally and culturally refusing integration. "You can live outside the system," she explained, "you stay in the system, but you are not part of it" (King, 2025, p. 125). For her, this separation was not failure it was a form of self-preservation. If belonging in Switzerland required abandoning her cultural identity, then that version of belonging was not worth having.What struck me clinically was how recognisable this dynamic was far beyond the refugee context.When I sit with an autistic woman who has spent thirty years monitoring her tone of voice, suppressing her natural interests, mirroring the expressions of people around her, and performing a version of herself that feels perpetually slightly wrong she is doing something structurally similar. She has learned, through painful feedback, that her natural way of being is not welcomed. So she adapts. The adaptation often succeeds.

The belonging rarely follows.

The Paradox at the Heart of Masking - This is the painful core of what clinicians and researchers now call masking: the learned concealment of one's authentic characteristics in order to appear more socially acceptable. It is not unique to autism, though it is particularly well-documented in that literature.When belonging feels uncertain or conditional when acceptance appears to depend on performance rather than presence people begin to edit themselves. They become more agreeable. They minimise needs. They suppress reactions. Over time they may become genuinely skilled at reading rooms and meeting expectations.From the outside, they can appear socially confident, even high-functioning.Internally, many describe a growing sense of being profoundly unknown.And here is the paradox: the more successfully someone conceals themselves, the more alone they often feel even within relationships, communities, and families that appear loving and stable. The research on belonging makes this concrete. Hagerty et al. (1996) identified sense of belonging as a vital mental health concept, strongly associated with psychological and social functioning. Wilczyńska et al. (2015) found in their path analysis that sense of belonging was directly connected to life satisfaction and depression those with a stronger sense of belonging showed fewer depressive symptoms and greater capacity to cope actively with stress.In clinical terms: the absence of belonging has measurable consequences. And belonging that is purchased through sustained self-concealment may not offer much psychological protection at all.-

What the Refugee Women's Research Tells Us About All of Us My doctoral participants were not passive recipients of a new culture (King, 2025). They were active agents making complex decisions about identity under conditions of significant constraint a finding consistent with social identity theory, which holds that individuals define themselves through group membership and social belonging, and actively navigate those identities as contexts change (Tajfel & Turner, 1979). What differed among the women I spoke with was how they navigated this.Some chose cultural preservation maintaining strong ties to their pre-migration identity as a source of stability and meaning. This often meant reducing engagement with Swiss society, a response that Liebkind et al. (2016) found was common among refugees who experienced their ethnic identity as threatened: perceived discrimination reinforces cultural preservation and leads to social withdrawal from the host culture. One participant described withdrawing from Swiss social interactions as a protective strategy: "As long as I don't talk, they act normal" (King, 2025, p. 209).

The silence was not passivity it was self-protection. As Bendjo et al. (2019) and Kämmer et al. (2023) have documented, experiences of racism in the post-migration environment are associated with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress, and often lead to self-censorship, social withdrawal, and cultural preservation as adaptive responses.Others particularly those escaping gender-based violence chose something different. They selectively adopted elements of Swiss culture that gave them something their previous context had not: safety, equality, and a sense of control over their own lives. "My youth time I have always had terrible situations," one participant explained. "I want to live my new life without worries" (King, 2025, p. 116). For these women, Transformative Acculturation was not loss. It was, in certain ways, liberation a reconstruction of identity driven by agency rather than compliance.What both groups shared was this: the host environment shaped their choices profoundly. Belonging is never simply an individual achievement. It is a negotiated outcome between the person and the community, the self and the cultural expectations surrounding it (Sam & Berry, 2016).That insight translates directly into clinical and community settings.

Faith Communities and the Belonging Question

One of the settings where this dynamic appears most clearly and where it is least often named is in the religious community.Faith communities carry a promise of belonging. They speak of acceptance, of being known, of love that transcends difference. For many people, this promise is experienced as real and genuinely sustaining. Research with refugee populations has noted that faith-based coping strategies including drawing on religious community for connection and meaning can be significant sources of post-migration resilience (Rizzi et al., 2023; Schweitzer et al., 2011).

But faith communities are also human communities, with human expectations, implicit hierarchies, and cultural norms about what kind of questions, emotions and struggles can be safely voiced. For some people those whose inner experience does not map neatly onto what their community expects the gap between the promised belonging and the lived experience of belonging can be wide. They learn, gradually, what can and cannot be voiced. Which questions are welcomed and which create discomfort. Which emotions are acceptable and which need to be quietly managed before entering the building.They learn to perform belonging while experiencing its absence.This is not always the result of malice. Many faith communities are warm, well-intentioned, and genuinely caring. But warmth matters deeply but doe not always mean people feel safe enough to be fully known. Acceptance and safety are not the same thing. Butler (1990) noted that identity is not an inherent fixed attribute but is constituted through repeated social practices and performances that align with contextual expectations. Faith communities, like all social systems, shape which performances of self are rewarded and which invite quiet correction.One of the most significant things a faith community can offer is not just the assurance that people are welcome, but the lived experience of being known and belonging.

The Difference Between Fitting In and Belonging

Fitting in often requires adaptation.We observe what is expected, adjust our behaviour, and present the parts of ourselves that seem most acceptable. Sometimes this is entirely appropriate human beings navigate different social contexts continuously, and that flexibility is not inherently harmful. Acculturation research has long recognised that some degree of cultural adaptation is both normal and necessary (Berry, 1997).The difficulty arises when adaptation becomes a condition for connection.When belonging feels contingent on performance, people often stop bringing their actual selves to relationships. They bring a curated version competent, agreeable, contained. The cost, over time, is a sense of deep invisibility that can exist even within outwardly connected lives.Belonging requires something different. It is not the absence of adaptation it is the experience of remaining connected while gradually allowing more of yourself to be seen. It involves discovering, however slowly and tentatively, that acceptance is not contingent on constant self-management.In my clinical work, I think of belonging less as a destination and more as a question each person is constantly asking of their environment: Is it safe to be more of myself here?When the answer is consistently no whether in a workplace, an intimate relationship, a church, or a host country the self does not simply disappear. It goes underground. And there, over time, it can become very hard to find.

What This Means Clinically

Many of the people I work with arrive presenting with anxiety, burnout, or relational difficulties. These are real and important experiences that deserve clinical attention.But underneath, the question I often find is not primarily about symptoms.It is a question about belonging.The autistic woman who is exhausted is not simply anxious. She is exhausted by decades of translating herself for environments that were not built with her in mind. The professional who cannot get out of bed is not simply burned out. She has spent so long performing a version of herself that she has gradually lost access to the version that rests. The person of faith who feels spiritually empty may not only be spiritually dry. She has been managing her inner experience so carefully, for so long, that she is no longer sure what she actually experiences.Research supports this clinical intuition. Wilczyńska et al. (2015) found that sense of belonging directly influenced depression and life satisfaction, and that those who felt they belonged were more likely to engage in active, monitoring coping strategies planning, problem-solving, and confronting difficulty rather than avoidant or substance-based coping. The capacity to cope actively is, in part, a relational resource.Triputra et al. (2021) have argued for trauma-informed acculturation models that integrate the role of safety and agency recognising that belonging cannot be built where safety is absent. This applies as much in therapy offices, workplaces, and church buildings as it does in post-migration environments.

A Different Question

Much of our therapeutic and educational language encourages people to develop stronger coping, greater resilience, or better self-regulation. These are not wrong. But they can, inadvertently, reinforce the underlying problem: the belief that the individual needs to manage themselves more effectively in order to be acceptable.

A more useful question one that my research on refugee women and my clinical work both point toward is this: What kind of environment makes authentic participation possible?

Not: How does this person need to change in order to fit in?

But: What would it look like for this environment to genuinely include this person?

This shift in framing has implications for clinicians, for employers, for churches, and for families. Belonging is never solely an individual project. As Sam and Berry (2016) argued in relation to acculturation, the adjustment of both the host society and the incoming individual shapes outcomes. The responsibility is bidirectional.

A Place to Begin

If you recognise yourself in any of this if you have spent years fitting in somewhere while quietly wondering whether you actually belong the starting point is usually not dramatic change.It is, most often, a small experiment in honesty. One thing said that is actually true, in a context where you have previously edited yourself. One preference named. One boundary held. One question asked without immediately smoothing it over.And then watching not anxiously, but with curiosity. What happened when I let a little more of myself be seen? The answer to that question, repeated across many contexts over time, is usually how people begin to discover where they actually belong.

References:

Berry, J. W. (1997). Immigration, acculturation, and adaptation. Applied Psychology: An International Review, 46(1), 5–34.

Bendjo, A. T., Nana, A., Kayo, R., & Nkuissi, H. F. K. (2019). Refugees and mental health in Cameroon: Context, challenges, and prospects. South African Journal of Psychiatry, 25, Article 1286.

Bornstein, M. H. (2017). The specificity principle in acculturation science. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12(1), 3–45.Butler, J. (1990). Gender trouble: Feminism and the subversion of identity. Routledge.

Brooks/Cole.Triputra, P., Sari, D. P., & Sani, A. (2021). Trauma-informed acculturation: A model for supporting refugee women in host countries. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 84, 145–156

Hagerty, B. M. K., Lynch-Sauer, J., Patusky, K. L., Bouwsema, M., & Collier, P. (1992). Sense of belonging: A vital mental health concept. Archives of Psychiatric Nursing, 6(3), 172–177.

Hagerty, B. M., Williams, R. A., Coyne, J. C., & Early, M. R. (1996). Sense of belonging and indicators of social and psychological functioning. Archives of Psychiatric Nursing, 10(4), 235–244.

Kämmer, E., & Albert, I. (2023). Perceived discrimination, acculturation, and psychological well-being in former refugees in Germany. European Journal of Psychology Applied to Legal Context, 15(1), 11–24.

King, A. R. (2025). An interpretative phenomenological analysis of acculturation and intimate relationships among refugee women in Switzerland [Professional Doctorate dissertation]. University of Central Lancashire.

Liebkind, K., Mähönen, T. A., Solares, E., Solheim, E., & Jasinskaja-Lahti, I. (2016). Prejudice-reduction in culturally mixed classrooms: The role of teacher-student and student-student relations. Teaching and Teacher Education, 55, 110–121.

Rizzi, M., Sacchetto, B., & Bellomo, A. (2023). Resilience and coping strategies in asylum seekers and refugees. International Journal of Mental Health Systems, 17, Article 12.

Sam, D. L., & Berry, J. W. (2016). The Cambridge handbook of acculturation psychology (2nd ed.). Cambridge University Press.

Schweitzer, R. D., Brough, M., Vromans, L., & Asic-Kobe, M. (2011). Mental health of newly arrived Burmese refugees in Australia: Contributions of pre-migration and post-migration experience. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 45(4), 299–307.

Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1979). An integrative theory of intergroup conflict. In W. G. Austin & S. Worchel (Eds.), The social psychology of intergroup relations (pp. 33–47).

Wilczyńska, A., Januszek, M., & Bargiel-Matusiewicz, K. (2015). The need of belonging and sense of belonging versus effectiveness of coping. Polish Psychological Bulletin, 46(1), 72–81.